Earlier this week, I shared these words on Facebook, in a few of the widow support groups, too:
Been thinking the last few days -- I know, dangerous, and uh-oh, LOL . . . but, I have.
Thru the years with Rick (35 of them) we had times of having nothing, and times of having everything.
In 2008 we had it all - a whole list of "all".
We had 3 houses - each one fully stocked, 4 vehicles, bank accounts, expense accounts, paid insurance on both of us, more stuff than we could keep up with.
He was making $5000 per month PLUS commissions.
Then, the stock market crashed and the job went away - as did everything else.
We lost 99% of all that we had.
In one decision that was not ours to make.
He was working for a publicly traded company, and when the stock market crashed - - so did the job and all its holdings!
Including HOPE.
Rick struggled for several years to rebuild that hope - that there was truly a future in this life for him, for us.
But as his health began to fail, the frail hope failed as well.
When Rick died, what I had not already lost, I lost then.
I was left empty and broke - on literally every level of my life.
The last 8 years of his life, of our marriage, Life just took all that we had.
And what Life didn't take from us, death took from me.
It's been 9 years & 2 months since that moment in time.
I have been thru Hell - but learning how to keep moving forward, and even sometimes acting like I own the place! LOL
I am stronger at handling the grief, the meltdowns don't come as often (when they do, they are still intense).
The nightmares have subsided for the most part, thankfully!
I no longer relive his last days every hour of my life.
I am learning much about me ... about this life.
What I don't want now.
What I really do want.
What is important.
What I can and will tolerate.
And what I have absolutely zero tolerance for.
I think my 2 cents of advice would be -
Don't be so busy making a living that you don't live this life.
Houses go away.
Checking accounts and savings accounts can be taken from you.
Cars come and go.
Health fails.
Death happens.
Live this life!!!
LIVE!!!
Laugh.
Love.
Make the memories.
Collect what cannot be taken from you.
Hugs.
Smiles.
Long talks.
Open your heart.
Open your eyes.
And yes - right or wrong - open your mouth!
Say what is on your heart!
Politically correct be damned!
There are people in our lives that need to hear your words!
They need to see your life being lived!
LIVE!!!
I'm trying ... breathing in and breathing out ... little by little ... mostly against the advice of those in my life - but trying to live!
99% of the feedback comments were positive and encouraging.
Many made mention of how these words resonated deep inside their beings.
There was this one comment to my post, not entirely negative. But was like a burr under my saddle the last few days:
Dear sis Margaret: You are a tough act to follow! My heart bleeds for you, for what you’ve been through. But you have forgotten a Super Being who is above everything. He is the only One who can calm the storms in our life. He is above all trials in life. He is above all diseases and deadly viruses that strike at night and kill at daylight. He is above all wealth and treasures of the earth.
He is above all kingdoms, above all thrones. He is above all wisdom and all the ways of man. He is above all wonders the world has ever known. His name is above all names, He is our God Almighty, the Omnipotent (all powerful), Omniscient (all knowing), and Omnipresent (ever present) God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, till eternity. He is the One who pulled you from the bottom of the pit. He is the One who transformed you into a strong, powerful and phenomenal woman of today.
*I wanted to write these words – but GOD said “No, not on the post – just make a blog post about it all” – so, here is my response:
But you don’t know me.
I have NOT forgotten GOD.
Nor do I call Him “a Super Being”.
He is my Abba Father.
He is my GOD.
He is my Life.
He is the One Who is pulling me from the bottom of the pit.
One breath at a time.
Moment by moment, each day.
There are days that I slip 2 steps back for each one forward – but still moving, still fighting.
He is the One Who is transforming me into the creature HE has designed me to be.
No, I don’t write, nor talk, a lot about GOD in my life.
Want to know why?
It’s a long story – one that is still being written, and lived . . .
Rick and I worked in church for over 35 years.
I began keeping the nursery when I was just under 10 years old – small country church.
After Rick and I married, we did everything in a church – except play the piano.
Church after church, no matter where life took us – we were in church.
I was a youth minister’s wife, a deacon’s wife, an associate pastor’s wife, and a pastor’s wife.
We had church in our home.
In our yard.
In our vehicles.
In the church buildings.
We lived and breathed church . . . and GOD.
Through the years of health challenges, we prayed.
We cried out for help.
There were a few here and there that offered a hand up, a phone call, a visit.
GOD never left our side.
When Rick died, I was thrust into a life that I had no concept of – no idea of how to live this.
Oh, I had been with other widows through the years.
Listened to their memories, held them as they cried.
Prayed with them, and for them.
Wiped their tears away.
Walked with them, sat with them, was there for them best I could be.
But to know from experience?
I did not.
There were those who I had leaned on through the years of being a wife for advice and counsel, that once I became a widow, I turned to them.
Not realizing they did not know.
Not knowing that the advice and counsel they would give, and did give, honestly wasn’t worth 2 cents as a new widow.
Had those same words been spoken to me in these later years?
Yeah, they would have made more sense – and carried more weight.
Looking back, I think of a baby being born.
For 9 months – the full life of that child – it has been growing and living inside the mother.
Safe.
Secure.
Then suddenly through the miracle of birth – that child has a different life.
Bright lights.
Loud noises.
Smells and sensations that are new, and a bit scary.
I was a newborn baby widow.
Outwardly I looked like a 55 year old woman – someone who had been a wife for 35 years, a mother, a grandmother, and more.
No one seemed to realize just how much of a struggle it was to breathe – let alone live.
After all the years of praying over Rick for his health and healing – yes, I felt that God had abandoned me, turned His back on Rick and on me.
I can’t help but wonder if that newborn baby ever thinks that its mother did the same?
Even though the mother is there to love, to nurture, to feed and care for it.
It’s a totally different world than what that child has ever known.
Others would tell me to “turn it all over to God” that He would wipe away all my tears.
For days, weeks, and months, I cried out relentlessly to GOD to do just that.
Wipe away all my tears.
Heal my broken heart.
Time marched on and the brokenness, the emptiness, remained.
After a time, I stopped asking God for anything – except where others were concerned.
I refused to ask Him for anything for myself.
I felt that if I had to live this life alone – then alone I would live.
Little Miss Independent.
Until it all came crashing down – 4 ½ years after Rick died.
My mistakes and missteps caught up with me – and my world collapsed again.
Walls caved in.
I was turned against by the very ones that had said they would always be on my side.
I was homeless – and powerless to change anything.
But life, and time, marched on.
November 2019 I found myself at the end of everything.
If it had not been GOD, I would not be here today writing these words.
Little Miss Independent crumpled.
Crumbled.
And cried out.
GOD, well . . . GOD.
Moment by moment, breath by breath.
Little by little.
Enough tears to float the Titanic up from the bottom of the ocean!
A gazillion words written in journals and blog posts.
And realizing today – it’s not over.
My life is not finished yet.
GOD is still working on me, in me, and through me.
A while back, I read that a lion does not beat its chest and proclaim to be a lion.
Only a toothless, powerless, lion walks about and roars – trying to scare the prey into surrendering.
And that a lighthouse does not cry out that it is there to lead ships to the shore through the storms.
It just stands there quietly, with the light shining into the darkness.
There have been a lot of people in my life these 9+ years that have roared at me – that I should “trust the Lord”, that I ought to “just turn it over to the Lord”.
Questioning and challenging if I even knew God – because I was grieving so, for someone who was now in Heaven.
There has been just as many people in my life these 9+ years that have shouted at me to “just look to Jesus”, and all my sorrows would be over.
And then, I read – JESUS wept.
When He stood at the tomb where Lazarus was buried, JESUS wept.
Even though He knew that Lazarus was fixing to be raised from the dead.
Even though He knew that comfort and joy would once again be overwhelming the hearts and lives of his sisters. JESUS wept.
Because of the grief that others were feeling.
JESUS wept.
That touched me deeply.
Just to know that GOD understood my grief.
How many times had I been told to “fear not”, “do not be afraid” – and had many pointing fingers at me that if I really knew God, I would not be afraid.
That being afraid was in direct disobedience – and God could not, would not, bless disobedience.
Then, there was a hailstorm one night.
I was alone.
Tornado sirens were blaring.
I hid in a closet – holding my Bible, crying out the Name of JESUS over and over and over again.
The storm raged.
Finally, after what felt like hours, while the hail and the roar was so loud I could not hear myself screaming – there was a peace, a quiet, a calmness, in that closet.
Once the storm was over and I came out of that closet – I sat down, still holding my Bible.
I opened it and I read this verse – Psalm 56:3.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in the Lord."
365 times the Bible says “do not fear”, or “be not afraid”.
But just this ONE time – “WHEN I am afraid . . . “
GOD understood my fear.
Those 2 moments changed the course of my widowhood.
I still grieve.
GOD still understands.
I still am afraid.
GOD still understands.
No, I don’t talk, or write, a lot about GOD.
But I pray every day that the Light that is within me will shine brightly into someone’s darkness and help them find their way to the Shore.
GOD is real.
I believe that.
But GOD is not what the world perceives or teaches.
And GOD is not what the church preaches or portrays.
He is more.
GOD is so much MORE . . .
With one more realization that struck a chord deep in my soul.
Until a person is ready to know GOD, no amount of preaching, teaching, shouting, or crying out – is going to change their minds.
In fact, that may be the deterrent to knowing GOD.
A life lived in honesty, and with integrity, has more influence than all the words of the world.
I am only called to let the Light shine.
I am only called to lift Jesus up – so that HE can draw others to Himself.
If someone wants to know GOD in my life?
Ask me.
Start the conversation.
I have no hesitation in sharing.
But only when YOU are ready . . .
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