Praying for Rick . . .

The gut punches never will end. 

There will always be a "first" without Rick.

And there will always be something to realize just how much I miss. 

Today, I miss praying for Rick. 

I fell in love with Rick when I was but 10 years old. I knew that I wanted to be his wife, and the Mother to his children. 

I prayed. For 9 years. I prayed for him - the boy I loved. I prayed that no matter where he was, no matter what he did, and no matter who he was with - that he would be happy, that he would know Love. 

- LORD, I want so much to be his wife, and the Mother to his children - but if not me, then let it be someone who loves him as much as I do. Someone who will make him laugh, make him smile. Someone who will take all his worries and fears of not being loved and surround him with songs of Love and Joy. 

When he chose me as his - I prayed for him. 

For 34 years, 7 months, 17 days and 11 hours, I prayed for him. 

That he would listen to the whispers of the Lord. That he would grow in the Grace of God. That he would have the words to preach and teach - in our home, in church, and in the world that he worked in.

- LORD, hide him behind the Cross. Only let YOUR Words be spoken - with conviction, with passion, with fire. 

That he would be the husband to me that God intended for him to be. And he was. 

- LORD, thank YOU for giving me such a husband, to love me as Christ Loves the church. 

That he would have the wisdom, understanding, insight and clarity, to be daddy to our kids. Leading by example. Being a daddy of honesty and integrity. He was. 

- LORD, thank YOU for giving him such a love and a passion for our kids. May they always know just how much Daddy loves them. 

I prayed for him when he was working - that God would give him a good day, and bring him home safely to us when the day was done. 

- LORD, protect him. Give him a good and Blessed day. Bring him home safely - we need and want him so much!

Prayed for him when he was sick - that God would touch him, heal him, and raise him up to live again. Time after time.

- LORD, only YOU can heal. Please, don't take him. Please, give him strength, healing, and life. 

Prayed for him to have those Jabez moments and divine appointments to share his Lord, his Love, with others. 

- LORD, open doors that only YOU can open. Close doors that he doesn't need to go through. Give him boldness and courage to speak the words that YOU give to him. 

When that last night came, even though I did not know it to be the last, I prayed for him. To find ease from the pain. To find Peace in his mind and his heart. To just sleep and rest. 

- LORD, he's hurting so much tonight. He's scared too - afraid that dying will hurt worse than living. But GOD, please - don't let him die! Just let him sleep and rest a while. Then, wake him up to me. 

And  in those final hours, as he stroked my arms, held my hands, and touched my face - I prayed for him to just be LOVED. To know that he was LOVED beyond all measure - by God, and by me. 

- LORD, if this is his time to die, let it be without pain or stress. Just a breath here, and then a breath with YOU - healed. 

Then, as the paramedics worked over him - I found myself walking the floors, praying that God would be Gracious and Kind. That God would . . .

- O GOD!!!!!  

When the words were spoken that there was nothing more they could do, and I said, "let him go" . . . I did not know just how much I would miss praying for him. 

- GOD, I am a widow. I don't know how to do this. 

How often in these 9 years since that final morning have I been in my prayer closet, crying out to Jesus, for myself, for our kids and grandkids, for others . . . and caught myself before I prayed for Rick.

The hot and sticky tears flowing - even now - simply because I miss praying for my husband. 

- LORD, I wish I could pray for Rick again. And in a way, I do. Praying that he is ok - healed, not hurting. Praying that he knows Love and Joy. Praying that he knows Peace. 

- LORD, I also pray that he sees me now. Knows how much I love him, and miss him. And knows how wrong he was - I am NOT better off without him.

Being a widow sucks. 

I was a better wife than this.