Even if ... the healing doesn't come ...God is still God.

6 days to surgery ... and counting ..."EVEN IF" has been "my" song for a long time, but never more so than now ...I know with every fiber of my being that God has all this ... He holds me ... HE is in absolute and total control ...But - I am scared.Cancer.

4 days and counting down ... we are leaving for MDA on Tuesday.I have LOTS and LOTS to do before leaving ... knowing that not only are we going to be gone almost 2 weeks (at least), but that in coming back I will be on REST and not allowed to do much of anything for a while. Sigh.

While we wait ...Watching movies ... some are good - The Light Keepers. Excellent movie! Some aren't so good ... OMW! What some say and show! We have stopped at least 2 movies in the last few days less than 30 minutes into because of language and scenes. OMW!!! Some things just are TOO much!!! Phone calls ... visiting with Rick's parents ... Chris, Mandy and the kids came down for a visit.

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to blog the last few days.

Rick is doing ok.

I have had my first appointment with MD Anderson. My doctor is Michael Frumovitz ...

Forgive me if this is a long post ... there is a storm of thoughts and emotions today.Rick met with the orthopedic specialist on Wednesday.

After days and weeks of forms and applications and faxes ... I got the call from MD Anderson yesterday morning -- I have been approved for 100% financial aid for care there!!!

Rick saw the ortho yesterday. Yes, complete tear - about 2 cm long. Surgery is required to fix it.

Not being the most patient person (understatement I know) - it is getting increasingly difficult to "wait patiently" ... sigh.Thank you Bro. Jeremy for the conversation a couple of days ago - it really helped me to know that the more correct translation is not to wait "patiently" ... as in sitting still and quiet.

2 weeks into the cancer diagnosis - and I feel no closer to anything... sigh.I have no insurance on me - we just have not been able to afford it.

We went to Dr. Cutrell yesterday afternoon for a follow up visit on the MRI of last week. Torn rotator cuff - complete tear.

9th day after diagnosis ... Uterine Cancer.Still no appointment set with an oncologist.Still frustrated, discouraged, scared to death.Still trusting in the Lord to hold to me!!!The last few days have been nothing less than a wild and horrible roller-coaster ride of emotions.Guess that is to be somewhat expected at a time like this ... already dealing with major kidney injury and renal failure (Rick) ... a torn rotator cuff (Rick) ... and then to get the news that I have Uterine Cancer.

Rick went Monday to Open Imagining in Greenville to have an MRI on his shoulder.

We have had our "buzzard" moments in the last several weeks ... but yesterday was a true "BUZZARD DAY" ... sigh. I used to have a sign above my desk that had a picture of an old buzzard, and underneath it -

Suckered punched.

I have been trying to rest and wait ... the waiting for results is the hardest part!

Rick got me to the hospital yesterday morning at 7 a.m. Nurses got me prepped and ready for surgery. Dr. Tris stopped by and talked to us a little about the sonogram - he said that he didn't see any cancer.

After the blood report came back on me - should be a total count of 12, and it was 5 - Dr. Tobin ordered me to the hospital as an out-patient yesterday for 3 units of blood. We got there at 8 a.m. and by 12:30 p.m.

Deep breath ... It's not all good.

We went to the lab at the hospital yesterday morning.

A word about me ... If you read this and don't mind reading too much information (for some) ...Please say a prayer for me ... I need wisdom and direction about what to do for me. 

A "minor" gout attack kept us at the house a couple of days. Course, Rick wouldn't call any gout attack "minor"! The only reason I said "minor" was because he was still walking! Pain and discomfort, but I have seen him with gout so bad that he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't stand to lay down and have his foot touch the bed, certainly couldn't walk thru the house without crying out in pain. Thankfully, this attack was not near that bad. A couple of days of drinking more water, eating fresh and canned cherries (not pie filling) and resting it up - and he feels better. Thank you God!!! The heat is still taking its toll on both of us. Doesn't take long in the heat to drain us and make us exhausted!  We have been talking more seriously about losing the weight and getting in better shape. It's hard on the road, but not impossible.

I have not forgotten to write here ... just didn't know what to write.

I long to have a miracle in this body of mine.I have been dealing with the "change" now for about 12 years.

Well, we finally made it over the Crud! Took Dr. Arneke's advice and got on Zyrtec.

O Father! Make us hungry for your Word. 

I am so thankful that God never changes!!!In this world and life of constant change - I NEED the stability of an unchanging God!!!Since Rick has been diagnosed with "Acute Kidney Injury with Renal Failure" - our life has become a merry-go-round of doctors, hospitals, tests, labs, dieticians, nurses, information, teaching and trainings ...Because of the health crisis, we haven't seen the kids and grandkids as much as we want.Sigh.I miss them so much!Especially now!Just when Momma and Grannee could use some hugs and laughter and love!!!Lord, I pray for a time with them ... and SOON!!!God is good - all the time.Even when the darkness seems to prevail.Just have to keep reminding myself that the darkness is as light unto the Lord.Reminding myself, too, that we do not serve the doctors, the hospitals, the labs, the tests.We serve the LIVING GOD!!!

I Corinthians 13:1-3 -"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do  not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging  cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to removemountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.And if I give up all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing." Ephesians 4:2 -"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."We are to base patience on FAITH - not feelings.How often do we "feel" like being patient?If I "feel like" being patient - chances are that my patience is not being tried at that moment!!!...Love is built on 2 pillars.PATIENCE. KINDNESS."All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes."...Patience is a CHOICE.  Considering that I have never been known to be a patient person - this was a statement of absolute freedom to me! Just to realize that I have a CHOICE in whether I am patient or not.*I must choose to lead my heart to patience. Not be led by my heart. ...If I am offended, do I quickly retaliate? Or do I stay undercontrol?...Do my emotions control me?  Or do I control my emotions?..."Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don't get what you want and you start heating up inside."OUCH....Patience helps us give others the permission to be human. It's what I want and expect from others ... but how many times do I not give it to others? I want time to come to terms with my own humanity and screw ups - but how many times do I give others the same amount of time?What would life be like if I really lived I Thessalonians 5:15? "See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another."LOVE God.LOVE myself.LOVE others.Now some may think that is the wrong list of order ...However --- *Matthew  22:37 ... "Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'"*Matthew 22:38 ... "This is the first and greatest commandment."*Matthew 22:39  ... "And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"APPLYING THIS TO MY LIFE TODAY ...To God ... I first thought, "That's easy. I am not impatient with God, nor am I negative to or about God."

After much prayer and thought, I realize that I am entering a time of change.Change is not always an option.Sometimes "life" just happens.Bodies change.Jobs, homes, families ... birth, growth, death.LIFE.But even then, we can learn to live with the change - or fight the change.Lord, help me in this!!!God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change or do ...grant me the courage to change and to do all that I can ...and the wisdom to know the differences.God grant me the serenity, the peace, to trust you with all my heart when the winds of change blow and howl, raging it seems against me.Help me to trust you.Lord, I commit anew my life, my all, into your hands.I am your workmanship.Create in me all that you want.Take away all that you don't want in me.I am Yours.You are God.Trusting you for whatever you want to do.In Jesus' Name ...

I love my husband.30+ years ago I made the commitment to "go where he goes".To be his wife for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.That is still my heart and soul!29 years ago, God blessed us with a daughter ...28 years ago, He blessed us with a son.And in the last 11 years, He has blessed us with 4 grandkids. How do I reconcile my heart to the life we are living???We are not the "traditional" family in some ways.

Proverbs 3:5-6"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." TRUST...reliance on the integrity,  strength, ability, surety of another....confidence....confident expectation of something....hope....to believe....to rely on....certainty. Assurance. ...a feeling of security....a conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence and/or past experiences. ...absolute confidence....commitment. ALL...the whole of....everything....wholly. Entirely. Completely....above all, before everything else.ACKNOWLEDGE...to admit to be real or true....recognize the existence or truth....recognize the authority....declaring something to be true....to express appreciation and thanks.C.S. Lewis wrote ... "To trust Him means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you  trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way."The challenge is to put more confidence in God's ability than in my own.

Rick's blood sugar is doing very good - with little to no medication - on this new diet program. Which is great cause for rejoicing and praising the Lord!!! 

We met with Dr. Cochran this morning.

Saw Dr. Tobin today at 11:30 a.m. Not everything that we had hoped for - but then, not everything that we had feared either ... So ---Some of his numbers were better ... some were about the same. 

Just to let everyone know -  Rick says that he is feeling GOOD! Says that he feels better than he has felt in a LONG time! 

Sometimes trusting God is the hardest thing to do.Not because of GOD  - but because of my own humanity.

We went to the doctor this past Wednesday to get the results of the PET scan. The P.A. came in - sat down.

We wait ... we pray ... we struggle not with flesh and blood - Ephesians 5-6, but with the worries and fears of humanity.PET scan results are tomorrow afternoon ... so we PRAY!!!We have committed to Bless the Name of the Lord no matter what - but still!

I have been so busy with Rick and doctors and tests and research ... haven't had a lot of time for anything else. And we still aren't "done".Sigh.

Dr.'s office called a few minutes ago - nurse said that due to the PET scan being a diagnostic tool, that they cannot give results over the phone.

We went to Dr. Cochran in Paris, TX on Monday. Hematologist.(BTW - we ADORE Trudy ... his nurse!!!)Dr. Cochran came in and talked to us about how the body works ... Kidneys function.The kidneys produce a hormone - Erythropoietin - that is sent to the bone marrow. Bone marrow produces the red blood cells. The lab reports were showing that Rick's kidneys were not producing the hormone, so the bone marrow was not able to produce the red blood cells as needed.

Our "today" actually started around Thanksgiving last year (2011). For the last 3 or 4 years, Rick has gotten a cough/congestion about twice a year. Usually about the time the weather makes a drastic change. The last round of it, we went to the doctor and she gave him a steroid shot, followed by a round of antibiotics, Mucinex-D and an inhaler.

About 22 years ago -  around 1990 -, when Rick was 30 years old, he got the first "attack" of gout. Anyone  who deals with this knows that when it hits (especially for the first time) it is not gentle and quiet.

Caught up in the storms of life ...Just trying to breathe in and breathe out ...Survive ...The new year began with Rick not working as much - loads weren't available.