Late afternoons & evenings

Sunday afternoon, 4 pm.

Rick would say - Sunday afternoon blues. I think they are simply afternoon blues - seems to hit most every afternoon just about the same time. Between 3 - 7 pm. Depending on the day.

Another widow and I talked about it last evening - she feels much like this, too. Maybe it’s a widow thing. Sigh.

Feels more like I am a fish out of water - or fighting for air to breathe. But then, I get so tired and weary it’s hard to keep on.

Honestly easier to find a mostly acceptable spot in the recliner, turn something on I don’t have to pay close attention to, and play thru Solitaire or some other game on my phone - until I get too sleepy to hold my eyes open. Then sleep a while.

Hope that the morning will be better.

Hope that tomorrow afternoon and evening will somehow be better.

Be thankful I survived, one more time. Sigh.

I would think after 8 years without Rick I would be a pro at these late afternoons and early evenings.

But I’m not.

The first 5 years or so, I spent most of these late afternoons and early evenings with family, with friends - because I was staying with them as a guest in their home.

The last 3. I have lived more alone.

- 1 year I was a caregiver, and actually treasured the late afternoons and early evenings alone.

But the last 16 1/2 months, I have spent 99% of these late afternoons and early evenings completely alone. Even then, I would think I would have a good solid hand hold on it all by now.

I don’t.

They still get to me.

I enjoy the quietness and stillness of the mornings so much- and struggle with the bitterness that comes with the quietness, stillness, of the late afternoons and early evenings.

And others wonder why I go to bed so early.

Why not?

What am I supposed to do?

Sit here in this screaming silence for hours into the night?

Sleeping is an escape from all of this.

Then of course, there are those who tell me to watch a movie, or read a book.

But I have watched stuff thru the day.

And I have read to the point that my head now hurts.

There is a craving for conversation.

For companionship.

No, it doesn’t help to go out to eat - when you are alone.

No, it doesn’t help to go to a movie - when you are alone.

No, it doesn’t help to go for a drive - when you are alone.

Not to mention the cost of any of that.

After all this time, I have come to one conclusion.

There is no answer.

This just is my life.

And life goes on . . .

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.