Sometimes I am not sure

I just wrote the title to this blog - "Sometimes I am not sure"

- and I shook my head, thinking how ironic that word is.

"Sometimes". 

"Sometimes" is an adverb meaning - at times, now and then, every so often, or occasionally. 

As a widow I am 2nd guessing whether I should ever use that word or not!

Especially with the other 4 words - "I am not sure".

WHEN am I sure of anything as a widow?

I started this blog today headed in one direction, but as I am writing it, it has turned. Bear with me as I try to catch up to the turnings. 

Rick used to tell me that I was obsessed with overthinking and 2nd guessing. I would tell him it was my 2 faults, lol. He would smile, shake his head, and give me the sweetest forehead kiss. 

As I sit here now and think about this title, with the memories of his words and kisses - all I can think, if he only knew me now!

He thought I was obsessed then!

Oh my word!

Those times were nothing, not even a drop of water in an ocean!

There are the "what-if's" and the "if onlies" that are overwhelming and are so bitter to deal with these days. 

- What if Rick had taken better care of himself before it was too late? Rather than being so stubborn and insistent that "ain't no one going to tell me what I can or can't eat, or how much, or when! I am a grown-ass man and I will eat and drink what I want, when I want, as much as I want. If I don't have freedom in my life - just kill me now!" What would life be if he had adhered better to the diabetic diet? Eating and drinking better, less. If he had walked more? If he had lost the extra weight? Would it have made a difference? If only he had - 

- What if Rick had bought that life insurance policy before his health took that downward spiral? Rather than insisting that he was NOT going to buy life insurance simply because "if I get life insurance, then that's like a guarantee that I will die young." What would life be like to have had the insurance money for paying bills, for providing a different life for me? If only he had - 

- What if I had been allowed to stay in the same place where we were living when he died? What if I had been given more time to go thru his things before letting them go? What if I still had his favorite coffee cup, or cereal bowl? What if I had been allowed to keep his pillow? What if - - - If only - - -

UGH. One would think after 8 years the questions would not be so intense.

Or the burden not so heavy.

One would be wrong on both counts. 

No amount of questions will give answers. 

A hundred upon thousand "what-if's" and "if onlies" will never change what happened, when and how it happened, and what my life is now. 

I miss the stability that Rick brought to my world.

While we moved many times (too many times) - always in search of the better job, the better home, the better - there was a permanence in being Rick's wife.

The house location changed.

The job changed.

The church changed.

Our finances changed.

Everything changed - except that Rick and I were in it all together.

No matter where we were, No matter who we were with, No matter what we were doing.

We were together.

Not sometimes.

But ALL THE TIME. 

There is much that I miss since Rick is no longer here with me.

With us.

Today, the thing I miss the most is not having to live with the "Sometimes I am not sure" . . .