Today . . .

There’s a thought that’s beginning to swirl in my heart/mind.

Concerning all this with losing weight.

I have gotten so frustrated and discouraged about it all.

Mostly due to listening to others.

There are those who say I can’t do it - without pills or programs, or without surgery, and for sure without going to the gym.

Family. Friends. Social media.

I keep thinking back to that summer between being a junior and a senior.

I lost at least 100 pounds in those 3 months.

Just by eating less and moving more.

I know I was not even 18 at the time.

But God, does the principle still work the same?

Even at 63?

I did not have support and encouragement then.

In fact, I argued with my momma every day!

She wanted me to eat more, she wanted me to stop exercising so much.

But I pressed on in spite of her words.

God, can I do that now?

In spite of words from others?

What if I just write about it all?

Just write about it.

Would that help me now?

Would it help me later?

Is there a chance it could help someone down the road?

God, this body is YOUR Creation

YOU know how it works, and how it works best

YOU know what is the best things for me to eat and to drink

YOU know what is the best movement for me to do - for flexibility and mobility, for strength and endurance, and to lose weight

There is a picture in my head of what to look like, how to feel - can I get there from here? 

Knowing I will never be 18 again - 

But how do I be the BEST I can be at 63, and beyond?

There are a lot of pills, shots, programs and plans

There are a lot of exercise videos and gyms

There is a lot of information, and misinformation.

How do I wade thru it all?

How do I weed out what is not for me?

How do I find what works for ME?

God, YOU are the Great Physician, the Gentle Healer

But YOU are also my Helper, Teacher

Please God - I need YOU, more . . .

- in this, like in every other area of my life!

What if I take this day – as ONE day.

Just to do today.

Instead of thinking about what I eat or drink in days and weeks to be, what do I eat or drink TODAY?

Instead of thinking about where and how to move tomorrow, or next week, what and how do I move TODAY?

Instead of focusing on what I cannot do, what if I focus on what I can do TODAY?

Yes, there needs to be a basic plan or outline for what I eat, drink, and how I move – a vision of sorts.

But I can’t live tomorrow, next week, 3 months from now, next year.

I can only live today – TODAY!

Thinking about that quote which talks about “a journey of a thousand miles begins with one simple step”.

So, what if I take this one simple step TODAY?

And what if I do this day after day, week after week, month after month?

What will it do in my life?

• Spiritually?
• Emotionally?
• Mentally?
• Physically?
• Even financially?

I have wasted too much time in worrying and thinking about what others think, say or do.

Or what they will.

And I have been way too influenced by what others think, say, and do.

This is MY life.

I love our children, our grandchildren, our great-grandchildren.

I love our family, and our friends.

I love all my online framily, too.

I treasure the relationships I have with each one – some are closer than others, some we spend more time together online and in real life.

But, when the lines are drawn and all the numbers added – this two truths remains:

1. No one else is living here with me.
2. No one else is living this life for me

And those 2 truths bring so many revelations and realizations to my heart and mind.

• No one is buying groceries for me. And I am not buying groceries for anyone else. Yes, there are occasions when others eat at my table. But the majority of the time, it’s me. Alone. So, what do I want to eat?
• Why do I want something to eat? Is it a food for comfort? It is because I am bored and/or lonely? Is it simply because I am hungry? Do I need sustenance?
• No one is here to see what I eat, or how much I eat. No one is here to tell me “You don’t need that”. But neither is anyone here to give me words of strength and encouragement.
• No one is here when my body hurts – from too much movement, or not enough movement.
• No one is here when a food disagrees with my tummy, and I have to spend more time in the bathroom – or in the recliner laying with a heating pad snuggled to my belly – due to a bout with colitis, or gastritis.
• No one is here to cheer me on when I walk farther one day than I did the day before, or when I spend more minutes exercising than the day before. Or when I can reach farther, stretch longer, do more.
• No one is here to argue with me over all of this. Telling me I am not doing it right. And when in real life, or online, they do? Well, there’s a feature online called “scroll on by” – and that works in real life too! Hang up the phone. Walk out of the room. Walk away from the conversation if changing the subject doesn’t work.

This is my life.

My body.

My journey.

I can learn from others. 

Others can learn from me. 

We could encourage and support one another - without the judgment, condemnation and drama. 

Without the competition of who is doing the most right. 

There are certain principles that just work in life.

Whether we agree with them or not, whether we like them or not.

And there are certain principles that work no matter who you are, what you do, or who you are with – even when you are alone.

• Eat less, move more. Calorie deficit.
• “A penny saved, is a penny earned”.
• A body needs food for fuel, for sustenance.
• A body needs water to hydrate.
• When the clouds get too heavy, it rains.
• The moon shines in the darkness, the sun shines during the day.
• Just because clouds are between us and the sun, doesn’t mean the sun isn’t shining.
• Water is wet.
• And the list of principles that are real and true, goes on . . .

But then, there are all the variables in life.

And what works for one may not work for another.

Much of what I read about being a widow, or being a solo parent/grandparent, or being a woman, or losing weight – well, it doesn’t seem to apply to me.

At least not in the way that makes the most sense, the “easy button” to wade thru and understand.

Because it is “normal” for people to work and save money, to have life insurance, to have savings and retirement accounts, I know it’s hard for anyone to wrap their minds around my truth.

Rick and I had NO savings, NO retirement accounts, NO life insurance.

I was left with NOTHING when he died.

The house was his parents’ home.

The car loan had been denied for credit life by the underwriters, and we didn’t know it until after he died. Without a place to keep our “stuff”, I lost about 90% or better of everything.

I was “gifted” $255 by Social Security as a death benefit, and it was paid directly to the funeral home.

In my life as a widow, I have yet to meet anyone – online or in real life – who has lost everything when their spouse died.

Not saying there is no one out there, just saying I haven’t met them yet.

Which in this, it has placed financial limits on me – to where I cannot afford plans, programs, surgery, in order to help with weight loss, or even just in buying groceries!

I must make do with what I have, doing what I can do.

Kids were grown when their daddy died.

Grandkids were almost grown as well.

So, even though Rick was only 55 when he died, we had started our family early, and therefore had no kids at home when he died.

Being a solo parent and grandparent is different when they are grown.

There is much advice, counsel and wisdom, that simply does not apply.

I have some health challenges, like we all do.

My challenges seem to center around finding a plan or program that actually LISTENS to my body.

. There are foods that I cannot eat, things I cannot drink. If I have not tried them all, I have at least researched most of them.

. I wish there was a meal replacement shake that did not have aspartame and/or milk. My body cannot tolerate any amount of aspartame – causes me to have severe migraines and stomach cramps, almost instantly. My body tolerates less and less milk these days.

. My teeth being as bad as they are (a genetic “thing”, not due to drugs, smoking or drinking. Nor due to lack of dental hygiene care.), makes chewing foods less and less pleasurable. I have to be very particular with the foods I eat, to guard against any more pain with my teeth. And yes, I have looked into getting them all pulled and having dentures. Wish I could afford them – but at this time, I cannot.

. When I had cancer surgery back in 2012, about 2-3 feet of my colon was removed, oncologist said it was damaged too badly. Which means that I have less to digest foods with – and that means that I have to be careful with certain foods (onions being #1), how much I eat, the way they are cooked, and when I eat them.

. So far, with all the hours upon hours of reading, researching, and talking with nutrionists, dieticians, doctors, nurses, and program people – I have yet to find a plan/program that I can actually USE with my body. Oh I could still buy into any of them, but so much of what I would be getting, I could not use. So, why waste that money?

I am not “special”.

But I am unique.

Then, aren’t we all?

We are not puppets on a string.

We are not “mass-produced” in a shop somewhere.

We are individuals.

Unique.

Special.

And we all need someone to get that – to understand, to show a measure of compassion.

I’m writing this in hopes of encouraging myself.

So that I can look back to where I am today, from where I will be in the tomorrows to come.

And perhaps at some point, I will be able to share this with someone else – and they too will find hope and encouragement.

A lot of this written will be just for me, but it may help someone to think outside of the box they feel pressed to be in.

I believe in God, and I depend on the Promises I find in my Bible to be my strength, to encourage me, to lift my spirits.

And I know that God can do anything He wants to do.

He is able, more than capable.

He could speak the word and have all this weight, all these aches and pains, be gone!

But honestly, it’s not right of me to ask that.

I am the one that has made the choices and decisions time after time, day after day, to eat the wrong foods, to drink too much sugar drinks, to not move enough.

MY choices.

MY decisions.

No one held a gun to me forcing me to eat or drink, or to not move.

No one threatened my life in any way.

You know, when the thief was on the cross, hanging there by the side of Jesus, he asked to be remembered when Jesus came into Paradise.

Jesus did not get him down off that cross, set him free and tell him to sin no more.

Jesus said that this day they would be together in Paradise.

I am not asking God to do a miracle in taking this weight off me, not as in instantly.

I am asking God though to do a miracle in Blessing the work of my hands and mind as I fight this fight.

I am asking God for the miracle of strength and health to get up and move.

I am asking God for the miracle of strength and encouragement when I need it most.

I sit here this morning realizing that the journey to a better me must start with walking closer to the Lord, talking more with Him – which is not only pouring out my heart and soul in prayer (whether out loud, or in the written words of my journal times), but also in listening when He speaks.

He may speak thru His Word – like this morning, with Psalm 41.

Or He may speak thru a book, a TV show, a movie, a song.

He may whisper quietly to my mind and heart with a Truth that is Light giving.

I also know that a major step forward on this journey is in forgiveness.

Not just asking God to forgive me for all my mistakes and missteps.

But to forgive myself.

I cannot go back and change anything – no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I regret, no matter the deep sorrow of my heart and soul.

It’s done.

I can’t change my mistakes, my missteps, my screw ups.

I did not always do my best, with where I was, what I had to work with, and what I knew in that moment.

Words from long ago ring in my ears this morning – “Admit it, quit it, and go on.”

What more can I do?

Another part of forgiveness is in forgiving others.

Those who have (or have had) the power to make my life easier, better.

Or so it appeared to me - then, and now.

But they didn’t, and still don’t.

Not just financially – but physically, emotionally, and mentally, as well.

Whether a visit, a phone call, a message.

Even just tagging me on social media – to let me know that I am being thought about, that I am important to someone, that I am loved.

There are a hundred (and more) ways to reach out and touch someone, to throw that life ring to someone who is overwhelmed.

A small gift.

A card or letter written and mailed.

An email sent.

A text, a message.

A phone call.

A visit.

An invitation held.

A meal or snack brought.

A cold drink shared.

I’m not saying that no one has done these things for me.

Many have – and I work hard to remember all that anyone has done, or given.

To appreciate them, their offerings, their inclusions of me in their lives, their hearts.

Not to take anything away from them – not to sound as though I am sitting here with my hand out saying, “Gimme, gimme, gimme”, either.

And I certainly don’t mean to sound so needy – but yes, there are times when I need more.

More than once a week, or once a month, or once a year.

There are times that I need simply to be loved on.

To be reminded that I am not forgotten, I am not forsaken, I am not cast aside in the busy-ness of life and living.

Forgiving them – for not knowing the depth of my despair and depression.

Forgiving myself – for waiting on that rescue from someone else, rather than fighting harder to rescue myself.

And while I cannot go back and change anything about my life – I can begin in this moment, this day.

To rise up and to fight.

To surrender to this life alone.

To accept where I am, and what I have – as well as where I am not, and what I do not have.

My heart’s desire is to be better, and to do better.

It starts today.

With just this breath.

Lord our God, if this is to be – it is up to Thee and me.

No one is going to step in and rescue me.

Hasn’t happened in these years alone.

No expectation any longer of it ever happening.

It’s time to put away the heart-sickness over hope deferred.

God, only YOU can rescue me.

However YOU choose to do it.

Whether by my own hard work and determination, or by the hand offered of someone else to help me.

It is not going to be easy to break bad habits.

• To stop spending so much time sitting curled up in the recliner, watching the same old sitcoms and movies, mindlessly watching. Just for the background noise.
• To stop playing those games on my phone for hours a day.
• To eat better, and eat less.
• To drink more water, when water doesn’t always set well with my tummy.
• To get up and move about. My body hurts. There are aches and pains. There is a stiffness from the lack of movement.
• To stop expecting someone to call, to visit, to message, to help.
• To truly Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. To acknowledge YOU in all my ways – even in this. YOU have promised to order my steps and to direct my paths. I need to get out of YOUR Way and let YOU do YOU 😉

This journey is not just physical – to lose weight, to have more mobility and greater flexibility.

This journey is also mental and emotional.

• As a widow. To do more than simply survive. But to endure. And to live!
• As a solo parent/grandparent – of adult kids and grandkids who are busy in their own lives, homes and jobs. Having that ache and yearning to spend time with them, to see them, to hold them, to reach out and touch them, to hear their voices and see their faces. To share in their lives. And yet, knowing that this is the season for me to walk behind them. Let them live their lives – be here for them, but not be so IN their lives.
• As a woman, alone. There is an intense vulnerability to be accepted, and learned to live with, that I was in no way prepared for when Rick, my person, died. Fully realizing now, after all these 9 years without him, that no one is going to step in and do for me what he did. No one is going to shut the mouths of the lions, who bark against me so often, like he did. No one is going to have my back, like he did. No one is going to support me, encourage me, help me – like he did.

This journey really is about learning that less is more.

I cannot do everything today.

But I can do something.

Little by little.

Breath by breath.

One choice, one decision.

God, I no longer wait for a mighty miracle.

Only the miracle of “just breathing”.

The miracle of going in what I do know.

The miracle of doing what I can do – and doing my very best, leaving my absolute all on the field of today.

The miracle of YOU Blessing my energies and my efforts.

The miracle of YOU helping me to let go.

The miracle of Jesus taking care of the rest.

Dear God, the miracle of my hope not being deferred.

My heart cries out Psalm 41 today.

Standing on the Name of God – Jehovah-Rapha. The Lord my Healer.