Faith

I sit here this morning realizing that the journey to a better me must start with walking closer to the Lord, talking more with Him – which is not only pouring out my heart and soul in prayer (whether out loud, or in the written words of my journal times), but also in listening when He speaks.

He may speak thru His Word – like this morning, with Psalm 41.

Or He may speak thru a book, a TV show, a movie, a song.

He may whisper quietly to my mind and heart with a Truth that is Light giving.

I also know that a major step forward on this journey is in forgiveness.

Not just asking God to forgive me for all my mistakes and missteps.

But to forgive myself.

I cannot go back and change anything – no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I regret, no matter the deep sorrow of my heart and soul.

It’s done.

I can’t change my mistakes, my missteps, my screw ups.

I did not always do my best, with where I was, what I had to work with, and what I knew in that moment.

Words from long ago ring in my ears this morning – “Admit it, quit it, and go on.”

What more can I do?

Another part of forgiveness is in forgiving others.

Those who have (or have had) the power to make my life easier, better.

But they didn’t, and still don’t.

Not just financially – but physically, emotionally, and mentally, as well.

Whether a visit, a phone call, a message.

Even just tagging me on social media – to let me know that I am being thought about, that I am important to someone, that I am loved.

There are a hundred (and more) ways to reach out and touch someone, to throw that life ring to someone who is overwhelmed.

A small gift.

A card or letter written and mailed.

An email sent.

A text, a message.

A phone call.

A visit.

An invitation held.

A meal or snack brought.

A cold drink shared.

I’m not saying that no one has done these things for me.

Many have – and I work hard to remember all that anyone has done, or given.

To appreciate them, their offerings, their inclusions of me in their lives, their hearts.

Not to take anything away from them – not to sound as though I am sitting here with my hand out saying, “Gimme, gimme, gimme”, either.

And I certainly don’t mean to sound so needy – but yes, there are times when I need more.

More than once a week, or once a month, or once a year.

There are times that I need simply to be loved on.

To be reminded that I am not forgotten, I am not forsaken, I am not cast aside in the busy-ness of life and living.

Forgiving them – for not knowing the depth of my despair and depression.

Forgiving myself – for waiting on that rescue from someone else, rather than fighting harder to rescue myself.

And while I cannot go back and change anything about my life – I can begin in this moment, this day.

To rise up and to fight.

To surrender to this life alone.

To accept where I am, and what I have – as well as where I am not, and what I do not have.

My heart’s desire is to be better, and to do better.

It starts today.

With just this breath.

Lord our God, if this is to be – it is up to Thee and me.

No one is going to step in and rescue me.

Hasn’t happened in these years alone.

No expectation any longer of it ever happening.

It’s time to put away the heart-sickness over hope deferred.

God, only YOU can rescue me.

However YOU choose to do it.

Whether by my own hard work and determination, or by the hand offered of someone else to help me.

It is not going to be easy to break bad habits.

• To stop spending so much time sitting curled up in the recliner, watching the same old sitcoms and movies, mindlessly watching. Just for the background noise.
• To stop playing those games on my phone for hours a day.
• To eat better, and eat less.
• To drink more water, when water doesn’t always set well with my tummy.
• To get up and move about. My body hurts. There are aches and pains. There is a stiffness from the lack of movement.
• To stop expecting someone to call, to visit, to message, to help.
• To truly Trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. To acknowledge YOU in all my ways – even this. YOU have promised to order my steps and to direct my paths. I need to get out of YOUR Way and let YOU do YOU 😉

This journey is not just physical – to lose weight, to have more mobility and greater flexibility.

This journey is also mental and emotional.

• As a widow. To do more than simply survive. But to endure. And to live!
• As a solo parent/grandparent – of adult kids and grandkids who are busy in their own lives, homes and jobs. Having that ache and yearning to spend time with them, to see them, to hold them, to reach out and touch them, to hear their voices and see their faces. To share in their lives. And yet, knowing that this is the season for me to walk behind them. Let them live their lives – be here for them, but not be so IN their lives.
• As a woman, alone. There is an intense vulnerability to be accepted, and learned to live with, that I was in no way prepared for when Rick, my person, died. Fully realizing now, after all these 9 years without him, that no one is going to step in and do for me what he did. No one is going to shut the mouths of the lions, who bark against me so often, like he did. No one is going to have my back, like he did. No one is going to support me, encourage me, help me – like he did.

This journey really is about learning that less is more.

I cannot do everything today.

But I can do something.

Little by little.

Breath by breath.

One choice, one decision.

God, I no longer wait for a mighty miracle.

Only the miracle of “just breathing”.

The miracle of going in what I do know.

The miracle of doing what I can do – and doing my very best, leaving my absolute all on the field of today.

The miracle of YOU Blessing my energies and my efforts.

The miracle of YOU helping me to let go.

The miracle of Jesus taking care of the rest.

Dear God, the miracle of my hope not being deferred.

My heart cries out Psalm 41 today.

Standing on the Name of God – Jehovah-Rapha. The Lord my Healer.

Life can change in one heartbeat.

Proven over and over and yet over again in my life, and in the world I live in.

This morning, I find my heart and spirit heavy – but not without Hope or Promise.

Even if . . . God is still God, and He is still good.

Lord our God,

I desire a better me

a better life

- no matter where I am. who I am with. or what I am doing.

I don't have a support team around me, and unless YOU do it - I am not going to have to one.

Yes, there will be a few here and there that will encourage me, if I make a post, or share a picture.

But as for someone reaching out to me?

Not unless YOU make it happen.

- I do have YOU though.

- my Coach

- my Trainer

- my Healer

- YOU are with me always, YOU will never leave me, nor forsake me.

Please remind me of these in the darkness of the times to come - discouragement, frustration, pain. 

As well as when the negative words of others bite at my heart.