December without him

• 4:12 pm

Well. Daylight is just about over.

There is a sadness that creeps upon me when this time of day is here.

A sadness for all that we had, for all that I have lost.

A sadness for being alone, but more for being lonely.

A restlessness in a way – aching for conversation and companionship.

And yet, also a sadness of surrender.

That THIS is my life now.

That THIS is a widow’s life – well, at least MY widow’s life.

It’s hard to watch the “Hallmarky” Christmas movies – when living so far out of a Hallmark world.

Been feeling the same about any romantic comedies lately – just difficult to watch, even the ones that I (we) have seen so often that I don’t have to hear them to know the lines.

Not into action movies either, lately.

Honestly? Not really into any movies lately.

The most I have watched (well, had as the background noise) – Everybody Loves Raymond, Home Improvement, Spin City, Frasier, and other older sitcoms.

I have over 100 books on my Kindle, and can’t find one that holds my attention for longer than the 1^st page or two.

I find myself wandering through this little house – and wondering why I am in this room or that one.

Course there’s only 3 rooms in this house!

LOL

But still . . .

I have a laundry list of things I want to do, and some I feel the need to do – and yet, none of them hold my interest long enough to accomplish.

The holidays.

December has been a tough month for me since before Rick died.

And even more so since he died.

I thought maybe this year, the 9^th one without him, would be somehow easier, or better.

But here it is the 2^nd of December and I feel the same as I have felt for so many years now.

Without him.

Somehow the holidays seem to bring back the intense realization that I am a widow.

All the “never agains” of being a widow.

Not that I sit around wallowing in them, but with every sight, every sound, and every smell – there is a gut punch of realization that those times in my life are done and over.

This year I am searching for what works for ME in the holiday season.

Last holiday season I had just moved into this little house and spent almost the entire month of December unpacking and settling in.

This year, knowing that this little house is not my more permanent home here, knowing that the probability of me moving yet again in the very near future looms with every passing day – well, it has hampered some of my thoughts and intentions for this holiday season.

I think we all must figure out what works for each of us.

What brings that peace of mind, and any holiday spirit to ours.

I think that goes for whatever time of life you find yourself.

I remember times before Rick died, after the kids had grown up and moved away to make their own homes – Rick and I did what we could a few years to just escape the holidays.

One year we worked harder & longer hours in that month of December, than we did the rest of the year – just to stay busy, too busy to think, or feel.

One year we were on the road all month with him taking every long-haul dispatch that the company would give him – to escape the emptiness of the house, and all the memories of traditions that were gone.

After a few years of escaping, we kinda settled into a routine of our own.

Making every year a bit different than the last.

One year a tree, the next no tree.

One year gifts and the next year not.

One year grilling for Christmas, the next finding a truck stop open to share a meal with someone else who was away from family on that day.

The last year of Rick’s life we had a good December.

He wasn’t feeling his absolute best with every day, but he was in good spirits most of those days.

We baked, we enjoyed get togethers, we laughed, we talked about memories and told stories.

We laughed.

We even went out in the pouring rain late one Friday night for a catfish dinner down the road at a new restaurant.

And not one of those moments in December 2014 did I think it was to be our last together.

So, this afternoon, I sit here at the computer, with memories flooding my soul, heart and mind.

Surprisingly, there are no tears streaming down my cheeks – well, not yet anyway 😉

Just more memories than I can . . .

And I wonder how to make this 9^th December without him something for the memories . . .