Disgusted and Discouraged

A guy that I went to high school with contacted me the other day.

Those years of high school he was part of the in and popular crowd.

I do not remember him speaking 2 words to me in those years.

So when he messaged me the other day I was curious as to why.

People change.

Lives change.

It’s been a “few” years.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he had known Rick (who was older) – maybe played pool or rode motorcycles with him.

Through the years since Rick died, there have been those who somehow “just found out” about Rick’s death and they wanted to express condolences or share some story about their memories with Rick.

Either, always welcome. 

Anyway, we chatted a little.

About what our lives have been since graduation.

About what our lives are now – where we each live, what we do.

And then. RED FLAGS began to pop up here and there.

*He told me that he was seeing a mutual friend, but he didn’t want me to tell her that he and I were talking – not sure how she would react. My response? I’m glad that you have someone in your life. If you have concerns like this, then why are you talking to me?

*He asked if I was seeing someone “for love”. My response? That’s not for discussion, because it is none of your business. But for argument sake – it is GOD, my coffee, me and my plant babies. And I made it very clear that I am not interested in being any kind of “in-between” girl for when his girlfriend is not available, nor do I sext, nor do I participate in boob pics.

*The next morning, around 5 am, he messaged me asking me what I was doing, saying he was still in bed – and that I should be there. My response? Not interested. Have a good day.

*Last night about 11:30 pm, he messaged me asking how I was. My response – sleeping. He went on to say he was sorry he woke me up, but that he was laying in bed. Then asked me what I was wearing. My response? ENOUGH. BLOCK. UNFRIEND.

Makes me sad. Hurts my heart.

This man is as old as i am.

He’s been single quite a few years.

Has at least one adult child, and grandkids.

Has work to do.

And he has a girlfriend now.

Yet, he’s acting like a hormone crazed teenager towards me.

I am disgusted.

I have a long rant about any woman being treated like this – that her mind and heart mean NOTHING.

How that men make everything to be about sex.

For the most part, men are visual creatures.

They see with their eyes, with their hands.

They know by feel and touch.

Women tend to be more emotional creatures, with the craving for intimacy emotionally and mentally.

Women want their minds and hearts touched, their souls stirred.

Yes, there are cross-overs.

There are exceptions.

But by and large, this seems to be the way of men and women – bringing new meaning to the “worlds apart” adages of old.

Frustrated with myself for spending any amount of time chatting with him – yet, knowing my heart and mind, my intentions were innocent.

Questioning why now after all these years, but innocent and not leading in any way.

(I’ve gone back and re-read each conversation at least twice just to make sure I said nothing out of line, nothing that could be taken out of context.)

Discouraged.

I miss being friends with others.

Men as well as women.

There’s something about having a guy as a friend.

All those years of our marriage – Rick had women friends, and I had guy friends.

But there was a safety and a trust between Rick and me – we knew who we were going home with at the end of the day, or when an event was over.

My guy friends helped me to understand Rick’s moods and attitudes, his way of thinking and feeling.

Rick said the same about his women friends – that they helped him understand me, relate to me.

And never once were either of us unfaithful to the other. 

Things are different now since Rick died.

Guy friends are few and very far between – if at all.

Women seem to look at me as a threat – that either I am after their man, or they are going to “catch” being a widow from me.

Men seem to look at me as only good for ONE thing – well 3.

2 boobs and sexting.

And people – men and women, family and “friends” – wonder why I spend so much time alone.

Why I don’t have an extensive chat life, or social life.

Why I am not a member of singles clubs/groups – online or in real life.

Why I don’t “put myself out there”.

I don’t have to go searching and scrolling for the creeps – they somehow find me anyway.

So, life goes on another day - GOD, coffee, plant babies and me. 

Oh, I do have a cow now (since I can't have a pet at this point in my life)

- thinking I will call her "RAE"

- in honor of the best guy friend a girl could ever have,

Ray Eastin. 

Ray, I miss you - almost as much as I miss Rick. 

Ray, you were the other half of Rick . . . and the other part of me.

Thinking memories, Rae and me are going to be having some adventures together in the coming months. 

The life, wanderings and wonderings of a widow . . .