Well, here it is.
The last day of July 2023. The last hot day of July, 2023.
And sadly, I do not feel much better than I did the last day of June 2023.
Sigh.
Almost like I am stuck in some kind of mud - not going deeper, but not getting closer to being out, either.
Just here.
Spinning my wheels.
But not even having fun doing that!
Just here.
Breathing in.
Breathing out.
Surviving yes.
But still, not really LIVING.
Maybe there are some changes in me thru these days of July, and before.
Not much “about” me or in my life, or so it seems.
Good intentions seem to do nothing more than fizzle and end up as ashes on the floor of my days, afternoons, evenings and nights.
To be honest, my life feels like little more than a bucket of ashes taken from a roaring fireplace on a cold winter's day. Where the fireplace at one time gave warmth, comfort and a place to call "home". But now, that same fireplace is broken, crumbling, caving in. The ashes are cold and dead with no live coals left.
I fight against my responses to what others say or do, or don't, these days. And sadly, more than what I want to admit, it is simply a shutting down of me, caving into the recliner, finding only a bare measure of comfort or strength in sleeping, in watching a much-watched sitcom or movie, or in playing a few rounds of some mindless game on my phone. How true it is that words have the power of life and death! I know in the depths of my soul I should not care what others think, say or do. I know I should just "shake it off" - or as Rick used to say, "let it roll off my back like water off a duck's back" - - but then, as I told him umpteen times - - "I am NOT a freaking duck!"
It's easy to avoid watching the inspirational shows & movies - simply because there is a backwards way of familiarity in being downcast within my soul. I know those shows and movies will inspire! They will lift me from being downcast! They will once again give me Hope.
And yet, how many times must my hope be deferred?
How many more times can my heart be broken & sick - yet keep on beating with life?
I have said all this to say - ENOUGH! I have written these words in my journal. I have said them out loud to myself. ENOUGH! It is time to take this smallest seed of Hope and put it into myself, with God's help and guidance.
It's time to get out of this muck and mire. It's time to do something!
I can't do everything - not at all, least of all getting it all done today!
But I can do something!
And that which I can do, that which I ought to do - by God's Grace & Strength, I am going to do.
Yes, it will be stretching myself beyond my comfort zone.
Yes, it will be fighting against the hurt, the pain, the soreness. Not just physical, either. But emotionally and mentally. I've heard it said so many times that the greatest battlefield is within the mind, and the heart. How true and wise are those words!
I wrote these words yesterday and shared them on Facebook. They not only apply to MY Facebook, but to MY website, and to MY life:
FOR WHAT IT IS, OR ISN'T, WORTH:
Seems I have offended one with a post this past week.
A post about God laughing.
I apologize.
Never do I open my social media accounts and post or share something with the express intention of offending someone.
That’s not who I am, that’s not what I do.
I also realize that some people are hell-bent on being offended.
Or as Rick has said so many times, “looking for a booger behind every bush”.
And some people get so wrapped up in what they believe that there is no way that someone who believes even slightly different can NOT offend them.
1 + 1 can = 5, from now until the cows come home.
I don’t care.
I refuse to argue about perspectives and opinions.
Life is simply - too short.
It’s more than my heart can take.
Not meaning to sound like I am patting myself on the back (cause I am NOT) - but I read a lot of things on the various social media platforms that I disagree with, however, I use that unique feature called “scroll on by”. Let it be.
Let it go.
Yes, I have gotten caught up in discussions - and to be truthful?
I enjoy a lively discussion.
Yes, I have given words of wisdom written from the dark life of experiences.
Usually, only when one is truly seeking.
Yes, I have offered counsel over some troubles, trials and issues.
Usually, only when asked.
When things are a matter of interpretation, opinion or perspective, though?
Not going to stir the pot.
Not going to argue.
Not going to be a part of rude behavior.
I don’t care whether it is politics, religion, or just matters of life.
Momma, and Rick, always said that I needed to have a 2x4 upside the head for me to believe anything - and pretty much, that’s the way I am.
If I did not see it with my eyes, or did not hear it with my ears - then, yes!
I question it.
Prove it to me, beyond a shadow of doubt, and then, we will discuss it.
If I am wrong - I will be the first one to admit that I am wrong and will change my case.
Saying all this to say - This is my Facebook account.
My page.
My wall.
MINE.
There is NO ONE to tell me what I can, or cannot, post, share and write.
The ONE person who could do that is no longer here.
So . . . If you don’t like it:
1. Scroll on by
2. Unfollow me
3. Unfriend me
I do not tell anyone what they can, or cannot, post, share and write.
I will not tolerate such rude behavior in telling me!
Nor will I tolerate rude behavior in telling me what I can, or cannot, believe - and do about what I believe!
I really do hope each of you have a wonderful rest of your day, and a Blessed week - every hour of every day.
I really do LOVE each of you with all my heart.
And I really am here for you.
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