Being older now

LORD, as I get older in this life, and hopefully a bit better at dealing with troubles and issues – I find myself not screaming out in panic so often, or so loudly.

Granted, sometimes that feels like I am giving up, or that I don’t care.

But when I look deep inside my heart, I am not giving up, and I truly do care.

It’s just that the things that used to stir me up something awful, no longer have the same effect.

Part of me says that since losing Rick, the best part of me, that everything takes a back seat to that.

And since I survived that loss, what else do I have to be afraid of?

Sigh.

Part of me says it is the greater realization of YOU being with me, walking with me, talking with me.

Maybe it’s a combination of both.

I know that when those moments of overwhelming grief come around, I no longer fight against them.

I don’t actually embrace them, either.

But I have learned to let them come, and to let them go.

The ebb and flow of what has become this widow’s life.

A familiarity that has lost the ability to breed contempt.

Perhaps that is the way all troubles and issues should be.

Not welcomed.

Not embraced.

But allowed to come and allowed to go.

The ebb and flow of life.

Of living.

Not shocked or greatly surprised when troubles show up.

Pleasantly surprised when they don’t.

Just that up and down of living – and isn’t it true when the ups and downs stop, we die?

GOD, help me do better.

And to remember with greater clarity, and more instantly – that YOUR Grace is enough.

: Romans 8:28 – And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

• All I can do is cry out to YOU, trust in YOU with all my heart. Lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, acknowledge YOU. YOU will order my steps and direct my paths. GOD, I mean it when I say – whatever brings YOU the Glory. Even when I am afraid :)

: I Corinthians 1:23-24 – But we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the Power of God and the Wisdom of God.

• Thank YOU GOD . . .